


Burdens of the Past, and a Blessing for the Future

by shamebucket



Category: No Thank You!!! (Visual Novel), Room No. 9 (Visual Novel)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Abusive Relationships, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Confessions, Existential Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, New Years, Rape Aftermath, Reminiscing, Suicide, Toasting, implied Haru/Kurosawa Ryu but it is definitely not the focus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-26
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-12 07:28:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9062395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shamebucket/pseuds/shamebucket
Summary: Five unhappy new years, and one...(Spoilers for all routes and endings. Crosses over with NTY!!! only in chapter 5. Warnings and ratings vary between chapters - rape only applies to first chapter, suicide applies to two and three, the rest are mostly warning-free. Chapters 1-4 are rated M, and chapters 5 and 6 are rated T.)





	1. Smoke and Mirrors

**Author's Note:**

> Just a head's up, all rape and suicide is off-screen although they are alluded to pretty heavily. If you're looking for a happy ending, wait until the last chapter. 
> 
> Warnings for the first chapter: rape aftermath/off-screen rape, smoking, unhealthy coping mechanisms, abusive relationship.

My eyes narrow as the wind hits my face, hard, like a slap, and the door behind me slams. It is very windy out, so much so that I can feel the wind tearing at me from every direction, stinging my eyes even behind my glasses. I have managed to sneak away for a few minutes, somehow, so I'm standing outside of Daichi's apartment complex, reaching into my pocket for my cigarettes and lighter. The urge to leave was overpowering, for some reason, and I think Daichi will be in the shower for a while longer... so this is okay. I won't get in trouble, I don't think, I muse as I tap a cigarette out of the pack and stick it between my lips. My hands shaking, I flick the sparkwheel and try to steady my breath. It takes far too long to light. I curse quietly, glancing behind my back, for every second away from him feels like... what does it feel like? Concentrated anxiety. Yes, that's it. Probably.

Finally, the flame catches, and I lift it to my mouth. When the tip of my cigarette glows a faint red, I close my Zippo, and take a deep drag in. It's hard to smoke when it's this windy out, the air blustery, strong enough to shake the windows, but I need it. There's a bitter, stale taste in my mouth, and I feel nauseous - this is one of the few things that I know can calm me down anymore. I need to calm down - yes, that's why I needed to leave. There's no other reason. Even when we are like this, Daichi must understand that I need time to myself, just like before, water pelting my skin until I could no longer feel it, until I only smelled like water and soap. It was cold, but not cold enough. 

I cringe, and cough, accidentally swallowing the smoke as I remember something - the feeling of his fingers digging into my hips as his teeth break my skin on my leg, endorphins flooding my brain as everything becomes fuzzy and muddled, like waking up with dozens of bright lights shining on your face. Suddenly aware that he might be able to hear me, as his room is not far from the complex entrance, I cough as quietly as I can into the sleeve of my jacket. It's probably cold out, but I can barely feel it at all. I recognize that I am in my body, and I see it in front of me, but all physical sensation is far away. Or perhaps it is only some meters away, back inside, on Daichi's cramped futon. It should come back to me as I smoke, but it will take probably at least two more and ten minutes until I start feeling myself again.

—Memories always feel much more vivid than what's in front of me, these days. Even what happened a half hour ago feels more real than whatever this is. I touch the fresh bite on my neck with my bare fingers and shiver. I know that I bled, as I tasted blood in Daichi's mouth, but I was not sure how deep the wound was. It feels deep, although I cannot see myself in the mirror so I can't say for sure. No wonder it felt so — ...good. I swallow a groan and take another drag, smoke and the condensation from my breath intermingling when I exhale. Something alive and something dead becoming one as they melt into the winter sky before they both evaporate to nothing.

I laugh bitterly to myself. That's not funny.

I am just fine. Mother has noticed that I'm spending a lot of time with Daichi while not talking about him much, but what does she expect me to tell her? We've known each other for years, and I am certain at this point that I know everything there is to know about him. He seems excited to know everything about me - especially things that I do not know about myself - but Daichi is Daichi. A small part of me knows that this isn't the case, and that Daichi is probably far gone and that's why I feel as if there is nothing left that I can know about him, but - no, Daichi is here and lucid. He does these things because he knows that, even if it hurts, it makes me feel good, too, and he must be enjoying it as well. He never smiles or praises me, but you wouldn't repeat doing something that you hate... right? Logically, it doesn't make sense. I knit my eyebrows and sigh through my nose.

My mother's face is a ghost in the back of my skull, a worried frown sullying her dignified features as she sees bruises on my thighs when she accidentally glimpses me coming out of the shower. I tell her I slid and fell on ice. She says nothing, said nothing, never brought it up again, although she started telling me that she wants me to be happy every time that I went out, a sad smile and knitted eyebrows a permanent fixture on her face.

Happy, huh... I drop the first cigarette to the ground and grind it underneath my shoe before lighting another. Normally, I have an ashtray on me, but I forgot it in Daichi's room. The night sky is dark, as both the moon and the sun have set, and any stars have been blocked out by the light pollution of the city. If I got lost, could I find my way home? ...Of course I could, I know the area very well. My heart is still jumping, along with my nerves every time I hear a small sound, so I smoke deeper, letting the nicotine brace my anxiety. I suppose I am happy. I am not unhappy - I do not despair at my situation. I usually despair more when I am away from Daichi, to be truthful - even if his way of saying hello is to shove me on my knees while unzipping his pants, it's familiar, it's safe, it's comforting because it's what I've gotten used to. His scent, his hands, his mouth, his dick. All of these things I know and am used to, long for when we are apart from each other. It has gotten to the point that when beautiful women smile at me, I get nervous. Can't they smell him on me? Do they notice that my gait is uneven? There are no obvious signs, but they must be able to tell that I've been having sex with strange men at Daichi's request while he watches. I try to keep away as much as I can. In the past, I didn't actively avoid women, but now I do. Every kind gesture seems like a trap. 

My heart is in my throat as I exhale smoke. I'm nearly down to the filter already. With a heavy sigh, I light up again. It's almost amusing how I came out here to spend some time alone, and yet even here, all of my thoughts are of Daichi. I do my schoolwork, laugh with classmates, try to act normal for my family, but I know that this is where I belong, and what I deserve.

We must have become familiar because he sensed that I was weak and he was strong - and I did, too. I always knew he was strong. Perhaps he simply needed to be pushed into a situation like this to realize how strong he actually was, and he has proved it to me. Not that he needed to, although I... I appreciate it. I didn't realize how it felt to be guided along like this, and how utterly freeing it can feel, if only for a half hour, if only for a few minutes, to be trapped like a caged animal and not have anywhere to go. I don't have to worry about human things in these moments, because I am something to be used and nothing more. There is no need to be afraid, or to be sad, or to have any emotions at all. I try to remember what it was like when we were children, but it's nearly impossible. I think I was - definitely happy then, but it is as if those memories aren't mine any longer, and I barely have access to them. Did happiness like that feel good...? Was it better than this? It's hard to remember a few months ago, even. My first stable memories of him, ones that I relate to my current situation, are of him on top of me, straddling my hips as he permanently marks me as -

This isn't helping my breath steady itself at all. I stamp down hard on the cigarette, harder than warranted, startled by my own frustration. Shaking, I feel like I've drank cheap, off-brand espresso by the cup. My body is awakening and not in ways that I wanted - I'm aching and strung out and my heart is rattling painfully against my ribs. I'm close to being aroused, too, thinking about the piercings on my body, suddenly painfully aware of how they are pressing against my shirt. The bite, too, is stinging, and I can feel my pulse ringing in my skin, my body sounding the alarm that something isn't right. I do not know where to go. Something deep inside of me screams at me to run away, anywhere, far from here, but I want to go back inside. I want Daichi's hands on me, because maybe then I won't feel this. Two diametrically opposed ideas.

...I'll stay here and continue smoking. I never used to smoke this much before, and typically I stop after three no matter what is on my mind, but. I need this right now. Smoke fills my lungs and I notice that my mouth finally tastes like tobacco again. I relax slightly, leaning back against the wall as I flick off the ashes. Fresh air, acrid air, anything but stagnant air and the scents that come with it. The smell comes back to me, anyway, overpowering the tobacco and wind. Sex, blood, and Daichi. I tremble and brace my spare hand against the wall, breath shallow. It would be nice if I could pay attention to the flickering streetlamp or the sensation of my hair getting blown by the wind, but instead I'm remembering. Someone's tongue, someone's mouth, someone's dick, someone and I don't know if it's anyone I'll ever meet again.

I almost don't catch myself before the cigarette burns down to the filter. I shake my head, still quivering, and put it out, tapping out one final smoke before thinking about whether I should light it or not. How long have I been out here? How long until Daichi notices - My phone jingles in my pocket and my throat goes tight. Vision narrow, I unlock the screen with my fingerprint and PIN. The notification is red and firm: a text from Daichi. I mark all texts from him as urgent, so I am never able to ignore him. I doubt I would be able to anyway, after learning what he does when I ignore him, but extra security doesn't hurt. A sense of foreboding engulfs me as I open it.

>I didn't tell you that you could leave yet. Come back inside.

I'm afraid to look at his window, because I can feel his eyes following me. He knows that I was trying to run away, if only for a moment. That's unacceptable. I feel it in my stomach, heavy as lead. I stare at the screen, tapping on reply, trying to decide what to say. ...No, there's nothing to say at all. Nothing to make me feel better, and nothing to make him less angry at me. I grimace and clench my fist, digging my nails into my skin so hard that they leave marks. I made a mistake. A truly awful, horrible mistake, and I must think fast if I want Daichi to go easy on me. 

I check the time. Midnight. It's the new year. The sky above me is dark and swirling, and I'm so dizzy that I wonder if I will someday trip and fall on my face, thinking that I'm reaching a new height when instead I am eating dirt. With heavy defeat, I slide the phone back in my pocket, straighten up, and enter the apartment complex again.


	2. Sleeping through the Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this chapter: suicidal thoughts and tendencies, mentions of past murder/strangulation, mentioned child abuse, really briefly mentioned eating issues that tie into suicidal behavior, and vomiting at the end of the chapter. Chosen suicide method is hanging. Please take care of yourself if you currently have or have had suicidal thoughts in the past.

I don't feel anything at all.

Outside, the wind is blowing harshly. I peer outside and the sky looks dark. A storm is coming, maybe. I guess it can't be helped. Nothing can stop it. Not my hands, not my heart.

Blankly staring down, I flex my fingers. They are working as well as they were almost four months ago, as much as I wish they didn't. Soon they won't anymore. ...No emotional reaction to that thought. I don't know what I was expecting. I can't even say I'm disappointed in myself for not caring. All I feel is exhaustion, but there is plenty of time to sleep. Just a while longer.

I finish typing out an email to my landlord. It's very late, so he won't have time to read it until it's over. I sigh. Please forgive me for inconveniencing you like this. This place may be cheap, but he's kept it as well-maintained as possible throughout the years. I have no ill feelings towards him. No ill feelings towards anyone except myself. I can't even blame my parents for this one. They didn't make me like this. Only I did.

Closing my eyes, I hit send and reflect on today. My last day on earth, if everything goes well. It was my last day at work, having given my notice a few weeks ago, and everybody wished me well in what I would do in the future (if only they knew). I already dropped out of school, so that was that... and I paid rent a few months in advance, so my landlord shouldn't have any problems with me offing myself before rent is due and having issues finding somebody taking my place. Most of my belongings are gone - only my laptop, futon, and fridge remain. I haven't eaten in two days, and haven't been drinking much, so I shouldn't make much of a mess. Funny how hunger evaporates when there's nothing inside of you, huh. Dying that way might not be that bad, if I had to do this over.

The letter to the Azumis is in the mail, too. That... I'm more anxious about, but I won't be able to see their reaction, so it's fine. They only called me once, and quickly let it go. They trusted me. All the more reason to go through with this, so I don't have to see their disappointment and shame and horror. Not that I have anything to live for at this point, anyway. Career prospects, job, friends, family... I have none of those things.

My friends noticed the change immediately, the way I'd freeze and go pale when they asked me how Azumi was going, how our vacation went. I say bad, that there was a misunderstanding and I haven't seen him again. That's not a lie. Not exactly. But they became uncomfortable, and I did too, because I stood out. They probably didn't smell the blood on me, but I could smell it stronger on myself than anybody, and it made me self-conscious. I pushed them away, and only a slight nudge dislodged them from me, from years of casual hanging out and drinking. Seiji was my only close friend, anyway.

Funny. I haven't felt my stomach all day, but now something deep is burning there. At the corners of my eyes, too. I thought I was over this. Maybe because I don't have much time left, I'm thinking about this more seriously again. Would he be okay with me doing this? Would he try to stop me? _Daichi, don't throw everything we've done together away. There's still time to turn back._ Or would he tell me that I can do what I want? ... I can't hear his voice telling me that it's okay. It probably isn't okay. I'm slapping him in the face one last time, but I don't see what other choice I have. Fuck. My hands are shaking. I'm losing my nerve. Seiji... would really not be okay with this at all. He would blame himself, probably, when it's only me that should be taking the blame. I'm the one, who... ruined everything, completely, irrevocably, so there's no turning back. Destroy it completely. Burn it to the ground. Burn us to the ground until there is nothing left.

I'm already over halfway done.

Gritting my teeth, I swallow my tears, wiping away the few that managed to spill onto my face. I can't hesitate now. I've built up too much for this day. I can't let any sentimental feelings holding me back, because there's nothing left to hold on to when the morning comes, when it's the new year and I have no job and no friends and the only thing that once resembled "family" in the vaguest terms will hate me, for hiding what happened to their son for so long and betraying their trust. He was in my care. He didn't even get to say goodbye.

God damn it. I'm sobbing. I wish Seiji was here, but if I had been patient and gone through one more day... just one more day... we would have gotten out together. Maybe not as friends, because maybe Seiji hated me, but we would have gotten out. - No, Seiji didn't hate me. I want to throw up. He cared about me until the end. The way his shoulders heaved, his entire body shaking as he wept, haunts my mind. One of the last images of him, wet with water and sweat and tears. I broke him. I really broke him, and then I extinguished him from the earth. Could he have healed away from me? My skin is clammy. Maybe. Maybe he could have. But I wasn't thinking, and neither was he. Maybe I should have helped him. Helped him how? Pushed him off of me? Told him no? Take his hands and thrust up into him, making him come faster? I don't know. What would he have done? Would he have still tried to kill me before realizing that he couldn't, because he's a good person? My head hurts. Fuck. What if I had helped him clean up...? Would that have made any difference? He said that he'd clean up by himself, but... wasn't he just taking responsibility for something that was my fault? Frustrated, I hug myself tightly, clawing at my arms, my nails digging in and leaving deep scratches. One more thing on the autopsy, I fucking guess.

I should have let him hurt me. He wanted to avoid causing me any pain, but the ultimate goodbye is coming soon. I guess I said goodbye to him four months ago with him underneath me, but this is really the end. All that I'm left with is me and my regret. My own death doesn't bother me so much. I used to think that maybe my parents were to blame for who I am - a good-for-nothing loser. But that's not true, as much as I wish it was. The only person who I can blame is me, they did not force my hand, nor did the rules or Seiji or anybody else. I killed him. And now I am going to kill myself.

The thought is calming me down. I'm going to kill myself. Okay. I am going to kill myself and end it all. Alright. It's fine. I stop crying and wipe my tears, sinking into the numb feeling that has permeated my life since the middle of September. Good. It's easier this way, when I don't feel anything. It'll make it faster, less painful. Even then, the thought about pain doesn't worry me so much. There are ways to kill yourself that allegedly you don't feel much pain at all, but I can't imagine the pain of death feeling worse than my father's hands on me, my mother's boyfriend kicking me, anything like that. I am hurting myself, so it can't feel that bad.

Tilting my head, I stare at the bathroom door. My belt is already tied around the knob. I tested it earlier, and it's strong. Unlikely to snap. It's the night before the new year, so nobody is going to interrupt me. Everybody is with their families and celebrating. I have nothing to celebrate. Except maybe my death, but no use celebrating something before it's happened. I laugh bitterly. I should have never invited Seiji to drink that day in August.

Seiji.

...Something doesn't feel right. A cold chill ripples through my body. What if _they_ found the letter? What if the Azumis are in trouble because of my mistake? They knew a startling amount about us... so they could probably do anything.

I'm scared. It's not out of the realm of possibility of them hacking into my landlord's email, either. Fuck. Fuck! I need to calm down. There's only one thing that can calm me down recently. Seiji has always been my lifeline. Even now, as much as I hate it. I pull up the small folder on my desktop and look inside. I don't have much to remember him by. I deleted my social media a few months ago, but there was one last thing I saved before I did. A photo we took together, right after we got off the plane. His slightly crooked smile next to my overbearing grin. I look so dumb. He just looks happy to be with me. I was happy, too. That feels so long ago. When we were two guys, spending time together. Having fun. Being friends. I wanted those days to last forever. More than anything, I always... always wanted to be Seiji's friend, and for him to be my friend. I want those days back. I want to be with him again.

I'm shaking. This isn't helping, for once. Will doing this allow me to be with him? Or am I deluding myself? No, he is gone and dead. Being dead doesn't mean I'm going to be with him. There's nothing after this, after all. Just death, quiet and solemn. An overpowering, silent sleep that I cannot wake up from. I remember the peaceful, gentle look in his eyes as I put all my strength into it... 

My empty stomach jerks violently, and I gag on bile. I run to the bathroom and throw up, or try to. Mostly, I dry heave, stomach acid burning my throat and mouth. Tears, snot, and acrid drool run down my face. I feel hideous, wretched, ugly on the inside and outside. This is my punishment for being who I am: someone who has it in himself to kill the one he cares about most. After I'm done, I lean against the toilet. The bathroom is small, so I'm close enough to my towel that I'm able to spiritlessly pull it down and wipe my face. I suddenly feel tired, cosmically and physically. I just want to rest. That's all I want.

The door is ajar. Through it, I can see my belt, still hanging from the doorknob. I stare at it, and at my futon beyond the door, and back at my belt. I close my eyes, letting the porcelain cool my hot skin for just another moment. The wind rattles the window, loud enough so I can hear it a room over, and I have no power to stop it, no power to change fate. That is okay. Soon, I will sleep through the storm.


	3. Stay until the Mourning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for disordered eating/starvation, implied suicide/attempt, and past dubious consent.

I've lost all sense of time, but I feel as if I've been here forever - in this bed, in his arms. I can't sense him anymore, or feel his skin, but he must be here. His sleeping breath tickles my eardrum, raspy but existent. He never said anything, but I'm sure that he's never going to leave me alone, despite everything that has happened. It's a cold comfort, contrasting with how his hands feel when they're on me, hot, teeth against my earlobe and neck as he touches me, knowing how to elicit a response. Everything feels good now, so he doesn't need to try so hard... but he does, all the same. I frown, twitching. I had a thought, but... it's gone now. That's strange. At some point, I stopped being able to think clearly. It's fine. I would prefer not thinking anything to thinking horrible things.

I try opening my eyes, but I cannot focus on anything. Perhaps I'm imagining it, but the ceiling looks different. Brighter, cleaner. Nobody has been inside of our room except for us in a long time, and, even when I noticed the cobwebs starting to grow at the corners, I couldn't find it within me to care. They're gone now. Did they take pity on me?

A familiar voice slides in one ear and out the other. I don't understand the words it is saying, or the owner. I turn towards it, blinking slowly. It's not Daichi. I wonder where he is. The bed feels smaller. The owner of the voice is a woman, significantly older than me, with beautiful grey hair. She seems familiar, and she is crying, a smile on her face. A hand that I once knew very well is wrapped around my wrist, her fingers squeezing, as if to affirm that I am real and alive. I don't feel real or alive. I start thinking about the betrayal I committed, my fingers squeezing, even if I failed at the task in front of me, below my naked arms. In a way, that's sadder, isn't it. I could not even go through with it, half-heartedly falling back into his embrace instead of ending it for both of us. Cowardly prolonging the inevitable.

My body sinks into the bed, into a softer, deeper place, and I turn to my other side. I couldn't see him before, but I see him now - lying curled on his side, his hair matted to his forehead in sweat as he shivers uncontrollably. It's pitiful, but I know that I likely look the same. I've stopped shaking, for some reason, but it's only a matter of time before I'm like him again, my eyes as empty as his. I wonder what Daichi thinks of this. I don't know why there is a woman in the room, and why everything is so clean and bright and smells so sterile, but he must have the answers. He thinks I am the smarter one, but I've managed to fool him. I know nothing, at least not anymore. All I truly know is sex now, the feeling of his skin against mine. He must be somewhat lucid, because sometimes he says things that I barely understand but know that I should. "Why is she here?" I ask. He shrugs at me, a slight, sad smile on his lips. I want his lips on the crook of my neck, on my chest, lower... I want to kiss him, I want to have sex with him. I want to feel good, because it's better than feeling bad, it's better than feeling nothing at all. Maybe he'll stop looking so weak. 

He sits up, and I realize that the bed has become larger again. Are we in Okinawa? It's a question I've wondered a lot, but the question seems to be taking a new shape, as I could have sworn there was an LCD display beyond where he laid in bed in the past. He doesn't seem as grimy as he should be, either - not that it's a complaint, it's just unusual. Daichi's hair looks soft and pleasant to touch now, his skin smooth and not cracked like it had been becoming... I think. Was that a dream? I'm unsure. His body felt solid enough when he hugged me as I sobbed, my tears trickling down his chest, and even more solid when he took me from behind, focusing on my pleasure, on making me feel good, and I selfishly tried to do what would make me feel even better. Maybe the dream was how dry his hands felt on my skin, his wheezing breath shaky against my stomach as he kissed there. His tongue was cracked. Was it a dream that he was too tired to do much more than that, his hand the only thing I could rely on? We always slept after sex, but he looked so tired even upon waking, and rarely got an erection anymore...

...It must have been a dream. A very strange one. I can't imagine a Daichi who doesn't use sex to communicate his feelings. I love Daichi, because he's my best friend, but he has issues putting things into words at times. I remember when he kissed me, like that, taking initiative for once, and I loved it, I craved it, I wanted more of it, because I wanted all of Daichi, I wanted to drown in him and for him to drown in me. When did I first feel it? Hm... probably when I kissed him, pressing him against the bed and groaning as his strong hand pulled me into him, his tongue swirling around mine, an intense dizziness spreading through me. He wanted to be kissed, too. Perhaps it's funny that I remember this better than when we first met, but, in a way, this was our true first meeting - the first time we touched each other and seriously thought _This could be worse. I could hate this, but I don't. I want more._ I could tell he was thinking it, too. Why was he so nervous? ...Why was I, at the time? Daichi rubs his eyes and yawns, the way he does after he hasn't gotten enough sleep. He should learn to sleep better, but it's cute. I lean in and kiss him, just with lips, despite the urge for more. I should let him know that I appreciate him more, and maybe, this will show him. He doesn't admit it, but I know that, deep down, he is a romantic man, and he wants nothing more than to love someone sweetly and to love in return. He's just an idiot and doesn't know how to do it without fucking. Though I suppose I am no better.

I blink and pull away. There is no response. He is looking at the sheets, his face serene and almost dignified. It's not a look I see on him often, and my heart races a little. "Daichi," I murmur, and hold his face. His eyes flicker, staring at me for an instant before looking down again, the uncertainty in them very familiar. I wonder if it's in my eyes, too, but for a different reason. I do not reach for his cock. I do not touch him sexually, as much as I wish I could. I do not make him touch me. Instead, I pull him close to me, letting him rest his head on my chest. "Let's finish today. It's only been a few days, right? We can still get out of here. If you'd like, we can even do it now, so you do not have to spend all day worrying about it."

Sadly, he shakes his head. I close my eyes, and nod. Of course. How foolish of me. I know it's been longer than that, and that there is no hope for us, but Daichi looks so healthy. Healthier than I feel, healthier than he was in my dreams. "I'm sorry," he whispers.

Carefully, I scoop my hand underneath his chin and tilt his face up, to kiss him in reassurance before pulling away and resting him down on the bed. "Mm." He's tired, but this is fine. Even if we die here, at least I will be with him until the end. We won't ever be alone again.

I turn to my side again and she has fallen asleep in the chair. What time is it? I don't know, and have no idea how to check. My watch isn't on my wrist... it should be on the bedside table, but it's not. Everything feels fuzzy. I try moving my arms, and find it significantly harder than it was a moment ago. Alarmed, I try again. Something's stuck in them, and that's what's keeping me from moving. Drips of some kind. I start sweating and breathing rapidly. What are they doing to me? Are they doing this to Daichi, too? Are they prolonging our suffering? I rip out the IVs from my arms, although it was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I've really become weak, these past few months. Was there something in them? Am I drugged? I blink, trying to make out any writing on the bags of solution that were pouring into me. Maybe it's because I'm tired or maybe it's because I don't have my glasses, but I can't read them. Her breath is becoming less heavy, so I must have woken her. I think I know who she is, but I don't know why I'm seeing her.

"Mom?" She jolts awake. She cannot hide her tiredness, but it melts away as soon as she sees that I'm focusing on her. She's looking at me, too, scrutinizing me, as if to make sure that what's in front of her is real. I'm trying to speak, but words are too hard to string together into a coherent sentence. I simply look at her, confused, and hope she understands.

My mother, who is a kind woman, even if she rarely shows her emotions to her children, starts crying. "Seiji," she weeps. Don't cry, Mom. "I thought I'd never hear your voice again." I reach out to her and take her hand. She squeezes, sighing, trying to even her shaking breath. I'm not sure if I've ever seen her like this. "It's a miracle you've come back. I'm so glad you're here. I love you." She's sobbing now. I'm unsure what to do - do I try to hold her? Tell her that I'm glad to see her too? My arms are trembling, and can barely move at all, so perhaps saying something is the best I can do.

I focus all my concentration on trying to find the correct order of words to string together. "Mom... where am I?"

She answers, but the sentence doesn't make any sense to me. I pretend that it does, and continue listening. "Don't worry about that. It's a new year, and we should bring it in properly, with happiness. I'm so glad you're back. Are you tired? Do you need water? Oh..." She finally notices that I ripped out my IVs. "Let me get a nurse. You were very dehydrated when we found you, so we should have those reattached so you can get better." I feel anxious, but my mother has never been wrong about anything. And... she's a good person, she can't possibly be involved with them... right? Placing my hand back on the bed, she carefully stands up and walks towards the door. "I'll be right back, okay?" I nod, because there's nothing else for me to do, and no other way for me to react.

It occurs to me that I'm wearing a hospital night gown. I close my eyes, and when I open them, Daichi is sitting on the side of the bed, looking at me curiously. For once, he's fully clothed. It surprises me, but I like it. "Did you sleep well? You still look a little tired."

I groan and rub my eyes. I can be honest with Daichi, and the words come easier. "Not really. Could sleep some more..."

His body is warm, comforting as he hugs me. The way I always wanted it to be, but was afraid of asking. "I'll stay with you until you wake up," he tells me. "I won't leave you alone." I'm happy as I lean into his body, his radiant heat lulling me into the deepest sleep I've ever felt. I feel safe and loved.

...

When I wake up and become aware of my surroundings as the sun shines through the window, I am sure that I've never felt so lonely in my life.


	4. Sinking into Regret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No major warnings for this chapter.

I startle awake hearing a tree branch scrape across my window, the slight screech of wood against glass snapping my nap in half. After realizing that the storm is all that woke me up, I slump back over on my arms. I'd fallen asleep studying again, putting my mind to learning anything and everything, pouring over my brother's books like sacred texts, attempting to memorize everything therein, to variable success. I've been told that I am able to memorize things faster than others, but I still feel like I haven't done enough. I need a distraction. I need to not remember, not think about it. After a few attempts at different things - running, spending more time with my family, trying to reach out to others - I've found that this is the safest and most effective method. I can throw myself into learning as much as I can, focusing my entire being into it, and look at the clock and five hours will have passed. And, with the internet, I will never run out of material. This is good, and it is far cheaper than smoking or drinking to excess. Healthier, as well, but I prioritize having my mind occupied to my physical health, lately.

My parents are out, probably waiting in line at the shrine we usually go to. They were surprised when I told them that I did not want to go with them this year, but they seemed happy. Probably because they assumed I was going with the girl I had been talking to that I met one of the few nights I decided to go out to a bar by myself, largely on impulse. My cheek feels flat and too soft against my arm. For once, I asked her out instead of waiting for her to proposition me, because I figured any sort of companionship would be better than nothing, but she declined. It was a bit of a surprise, but maybe she could see the emptiness in my heart and it frightened her. Or the dark circles around my eyes. Either way, we do not talk anymore, and once again I am isolated. I talk to my fellow students, but I do not spend time with them outside of school. My parents have their own lives and hobbies, and my brother has his wife. There is nobody else who I can confide in.

It was for the best, anyway, I reason with myself. She would likely betray me and hurt me.

Part of me knows that this is illogical, but I cannot help but feel that way. I sigh, sitting up straight and looking down at the text in front of me. I had fallen asleep looking at one of the remedial law books my brother used when he went to law school, open on some passage about fraud. My eyes feel so tired still, although perhaps that is my fault. The only light on in the room is the small lamp on my desk, and the rest of the house is dark and still, the wind the only sound reverberating through the walls. My parents are quite foolish for going out in this weather. I am sure they will be fine, but I know that I would not want to have my clothes torn at by the wind or my body pushed around with any sense of direction, not knowing where I will go.

I want to go back to sleep and not think about anything, but I know that I cannot. I have stopped being able to sleep through the night, sudden terror and thoughts of betrayal eating away at me without any warning. It's easier to not sleep, or to only sleep when my body is so spent that it has no other choice. Taking a run and falling face-first onto the mattress after a long day of studying is how I've fallen asleep during every night of my winter vacation so far, and I have no plans of changing that routine. At least when I sleep now, it's a very deep and sound sleep, free of distractions or negative thoughts. I am safe and free there, floating in a gentle void with nobody to bother me. I feel content with myself. It is a calm place, a primal part of me that nobody can touch. 

If only it was that way when I was awake, or if I fell asleep normally.

Frowning, I close the book. I suppose I cannot push these thoughts away, as much as I want to. I know what I'm avoiding thinking about. Who I'm avoiding thinking about, and all the complex thoughts that come with him. Folding my arms and crossing my legs, I spin in the chair and face the window. The wind has slowed, but I don't trust that it has stopped. There's not much that I do trust, I suppose. I trust myself, I trust my instincts. I trust my parents, although I wonder if I should. That's all.

Without meaning to, a vulnerable thought slips out between the stronghold I've been holding on a part of my heart that is too sore to use - I miss trusting Daichi.

The thought was honest, I will admit. I hate that it is true, but I miss being able to be with Daichi, the way we used to be, before our vacation this summer. I blocked him on social media a few weeks after we returned home, although I am fairly sure that he didn't notice. He didn't want to contact me as much as I didn't want to contact him. He had his reasons for not saying a word to me once we each awoke at our own homes, and I had mine. It was unspoken, but I believe both of us knew that we should never talk to each other again. I needed to make it final, however. The end. Nothing more between us, because, somehow, along the way, I learned that I could no longer trust him. Could I ever? The thought eats away at me.

He did sacrifice his physical well-being for me. All the same... it didn't feel equal. I felt like I had to take care of everything myself, and I comforted him when he was scared or seemed bored or anxious or lonely. But... I notice that my teeth are clenched hard and my brow is intensely furrowed, so I pull away from that train of thought for a moment. Breathe in, breathe out, like I learned in yoga. I center myself, banishing any negative emotions, and continue logically. But, the one time that I needed him, he did not come to help me. It was horrifically embarrassing, truly, and I did want to be left alone at the time, but... what would have happened if he was there with me, if he had helped me clean up the mess that he was partially responsible for? Would I have resented him less?

At the same time, I do not begrudge him of his choices. I told him to leave me alone, and he did. I told him that he should continue using me, and he did. Daichi is a people-pleaser, and it's something that I know about him, something that I found charming and made me want to be his friend in the first place. I see now that this overly servile attitude can be just as harmful, but at the time... I liked that about him. That he could make so many people happy, just by being himself, because he wanted to make others laugh and be happy. He probably thought that following my advice would make me more at ease, or perhaps wanted to bend to my will because he felt guilt. So whose fault is it that I am alone, really?

I wonder. Dammit. I want a smoke.

I hope I never experience anything so humiliating ever again. I try not to think about it, because it's dehumanizing, but the shame and arousal entwined together was intense and I wanted - something, anything, that would stop it. There was a moment when I thought, just to myself, that maybe Daichi could have helped, somehow, but I did not allow that thought to come to fruition. I did not allow myself to have any thoughts at all in the shower. I sat there after cleaning up for what felt like hours, letting the water hit my skin until I couldn't feel anything at all anymore and my erection subsided. It took so long. I thought it would never end. At the time, I wondered - what would I do if Daichi came in the bathroom? He hadn't gone before I told him to leave. Maybe he needed to use the toilet and was waiting for me. And I was obvious, at the time, with my body curled up as I tried desperately to cool off. Sometimes Daichi freezes in intense situations, but I wanted to believe that he would figure out some way to help me, even though it was horrifying and I -

Did I want it? Did I want him to help me?

For so long, I had convinced myself that our relationship was equal, because I could protect Daichi and he could give me something that nobody else has - a long-term companionship where I felt like I was consistently valued as a person, and not just for my looks or intelligence or money. Daichi is sometimes foolish and doesn't think things through, but... I believed that he was a good person. I saw the look on his face a few times when I gently argued with him, trying to appeal to his logic. He's emotional. And maybe underneath this pretense, I am, too, because I am remembering the sad, resigned look on his face when he agreed to use me on the fifth day and - tears build on the edge of my eyes, behind my glasses. I take them off and turn off the light, because clearly I will not get anything else done tonight. I haven't allowed myself to truly think about this, and I feel like I am at my limit already.

Resigned, I get into bed and pull the blanket over my head, like I'd seen him do so many times. I hate myself a bit for it. Thinking back, again... he looked so sad, but I had to be strong for him. I had to let him use me. He had already suffered so much, and I could not allow him to get hurt more. What sort of friend would I have been if I had hurt him, knowing how badly he had been hurt in the past? However, the tasks were not kind to us, and I had to do it anyway. I had to slice open his arm. Or... did I? Because the next day, that awful task was presented before us again. Perhaps I could have been used once more. I do not want to think of what would happened after that, but - at least Daichi would have been able to get out unharmed. I do not know if that alone would have made me want to consort with him, but I know that seeing the scar on his arm would be too much for me, knowing that I hurt him in that way every time I saw him.

We hurt each other, marked each other in ways that neither of us wanted, and now we are estranged. Whose fault is that? Who can I blame for this? Is it my fault, or Daichi's? Both of us... maybe.

I remember the convenience store, studying together, spending our middle school days as carefree as we could, considering Daichi's circumstances. I think he was happy. I know I was happy. Even in high school, and at university... he smiled, seeing my face, often hugging me close to his body playfully. The last time I saw him, he was quiet and intense. What was going through his mind? I don't know. The last time I heard him, he seemed regretful, but the damage had been done. Our relationship couldn't be fixed, even if I wanted it.

I do not cry. This is not as horrible as the things that happened in the hotel, realizing that Daichi and I can't ever be friends again. I have suffered worse, he has suffered worse. My body is relaxing as I am telling myself these things... but the ache in my heart remains.

I miss my best friend, and, as much as it pains me to admit it, I need to leave him and everything that happened in the old year. When I wake, it will be without any traces of him, so I allow myself to mourn our friendship one last night. The last image in my mind before I fall asleep is his wistful face. "When a girl says that she wants to break up, it doesn't mean 'We can fix this if you do better', it means 'It's already over.' ...It's still complicated, huh?" _Yeah, Daichi,_ I think to myself as I drift away. _That's how it is._


	5. Smiles Hiding Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter crosses over with No Thank You!!! 
> 
> If you have not played NTY... first of all, play it. Secondly, this chapter contains spoilers, although you probably won't understand most of what you are looking at until you've cleared the entire game, especially because the spoilers are for Ryu's route, mostly, and his is the last recommended route. Many of the warnings for this chapter actually rely on playing NTY before and knowing what to look for. I don't want to spoil so, uh, if you have read NTY, be warned of some extremely unpleasant implications that are mostly brought up in Kouichi and Ryu's routes. It's probably fine if you haven't read it although you may be as confused as Daichi is. 
> 
> More general warnings include implied off-screen child (sexual) abuse.

I remember when I first started going to university in hopes of becoming a teacher, many of my professors told me that this was a commitment, and becoming a teacher is a 24/7 job. You never know when you're going to see your students around, or former students, and you must always act accordingly.

They were right. It's almost been a year since I started teaching, and while I work in a big city, I still see my students and their parents around fairly often. Usually it's just a wave and a "Kobayashi-sensei! Hello!", although I have gotten some hugs and I've chatted up a few parents. A lot of kids ask why I'm outside of school, because they're still at the age where they think that I live there, and I just smile ambiguously and shrug. I haven't thought of a clever response to that yet. Past me would probably be disappointed, but that's probably what growing up is about. Not having as much fun as you did in the past and taking responsibility seriously.

I've been trying. I want to take responsibility for things I've done in the past. So, during my first hatsumode as a teacher, I decided on what to pray for and will try to follow through as thoroughly as I can.

Seiji and I haven't talked in over a year, and I haven't seen him online, either. He hasn't updated anything. I wonder if he abandoned his accounts and remade them without telling me... it seems excessive, but that's something that he would do, quietly as he could so as to not ruffle any feathers. I don't know, though... maybe I should try to apologize and see if we can start over again. It seems sad that we'd stop talking over one misstep I made because I was stubborn. We went through so much together. I miss him. I've thought about writing him, or visiting his house, but that seems too formal, somehow... I want our next meeting to seem more natural than that. 

But I can't think about that right now, because one of my students is smiling at me shyly, holding onto her father's hand while her grandfather (?) stands behind them both. Father and daughter are wearing color-coordinated kimono, but the grandfather is wearing a long-sleeved shirt and slacks. I guess he's not as uptight about that sort of thing. Can't say I blame him - I'm not wearing anything fancy, either, but it suits the pair very well.

"Kobayashi-sensei... it's nice to see you," she says politely. I don't feel as much as I used to, but I can't help but smile. She's a really charming child, kind and conscientious. It's been hard to break her out of her shy shell, but she seems to be getting more and more used to speaking up in class and participating in group assignments. It makes me a little happy.

"Yufumi-chan, it's nice to see you too." I smile and bow. "Kurosawa-san." Come to think of it, her dad is kind of young, isn't he? He can't be much older than his early 30s, if that. I wonder how young he was when he had her, and I don't see her mom around... eh, I shouldn't worry about that. I have wondered about her family life, just because a few things she's done before and after class... concern me, but I try to stay mostly emotionally uninvolved and gently guide her as best I can. I have only met her dad a few times before, but I haven't ever gotten bad feelings from him. I don't know a lot, and try to not make assumptions anymore, but I don't think he's a bad person. Probably.

He nods. "Kobayashi-san, hello." Kurosawa's voice is smooth and pleasant. I feel wistful listening to it. Yufumi tugs on the sleeve of his kimono gently. His smile reminds me of someone, and my heart beats a little faster. I wish it wouldn't. "What is it, dear?"

"Um... are we going to get our omikuji now?" Ah, that's right. They must have already prayed, because I'm still waiting in line and they're walking towards the line to buy omikuji.

Kurosawa closes his eyes, thinking for a moment. "Inui-san, do you mind taking her? I'd like to talk to Kobayashi-san for a moment, if that is acceptable."

The older man behind them stands up straight, blinking. "Ah? Oh, of course." Huh, I guess they aren't related. I didn't think they looked that much alike, but I just assumed from their ages. I wonder what their relationship is... old family friend? Well, none of my business, I guess. "Yufumi-chan, come with me, please." She seems comfortable with Inui, judging by how I've seen her react to other older adults (especially men...) in school, but she still looks slightly hesitant. He looks fondly at her, petting her hair. "Don't worry. You'll see Ryu again soon."

Ryu...? Kurosawa smiles at her in a way that makes my heart melt, a smile that I feel like I've seen before, somewhere. It's comforting, like a homemade meal, or a lullaby you can't remember the words to. "It will only be a moment. Please be patient. I'll meet you both at the gate." She still looks a little nervous, but Yufumi nods and holds onto Inui's hand. It looks almost comical how much bigger he is than her - he's an older guy, but he is built enormously and seems really fit. I kind of wonder if he could pick me up over his head and snap me in half. He looks like he's that strong, anyway... but, if Yufumi trusts him, then he's probably not that bad.

"Try not to keep us waiting too long," Inui says as he waves and starts walking away. Kurosawa simply nods and stands next to me as I wait in line to pray. Before she turns her back, Yufumi gives us each a small wave and smiles. She's a very sweet girl. I will only be teaching her for another few months, but I hope that she grows up into a lovely young woman with more confidence than she has now... although, if my guesses are right, I understand that it might be hard for her. At least she has Kurosawa taking care of her. And... if my instincts are right, based on that last interaction, it's good that he's taking care of her.

He's not saying anything, and it's kind of awkward. The line is inching forward slowly. I'm not too far from the front, but it's still a little weird. I wonder why he wants to talk to me. "Yufumi-chan is a good girl," I tell him honestly.

He nods. "I know. She seems to be doing better now that you're teaching her, as well. Thank you."

"It's my job, it's nothing." Kurosawa sighs. Did that annoy him? "Uh... was there something you wanted to talk about?"

I don't know why, but he looks a little sad, just for a second, before stiffening. "Yes, although we should speak somewhere a little more private." Kurosawa looks really elegant and high-class, but... hm. There's something firm and intense about him, too. He only seems truly soft when he's looking at her. I wonder what his story is, and why he took Yufumi in... maybe he's going to tell me? I hope everything is okay between them.

"Sure. Let's walk when I'm done. I'll be quick." Kurosawa _hmphs_ softly to himself, acknowledging that he heard me, and steps off to the side.

I know that I'm keeping someone waiting, but my throat tightens when I put the five yen coin into the offering box. I bow twice, clap twice, and freeze. Funny. The wish I had was fully formed in my head earlier today, but I can only think in terms of pure emotion now, without words. Something cloudy and deep fills my chest, and I want it to go away so I can act more like myself. So, I let that be. May I not be as filled with longing in the future. That's acceptable. I bow once more and leave, looking for Kurosawa. He's not hard to find - he's standing straight with his arms crossed, staring off to the side, a few meters to the side of the line. I frown. I don't really know why, but - I have a bad feeling. "Sorry for the wait. What's up?"

He closes his eyes. "Not here. Walk with me." Any traces of softness from him are gone, although... maybe I'm trying too hard to find good things in him, but I think he's trying to be nice to me. He turns on his heel and cuts through the crowd, trying to find a quiet spot for us to speak.

I blink, but follow him. "Uh, okay..."

It takes a while for us to find a place that is secluded enough to talk. As expected, because it's the first day of the year. Of course the shrine is going to be crowded. It's not the most popular one in Japan or anything, but it's hatsumode. It's going to be busy, and there's going to be a lot of people. We manage to find a quiet spot by a tree. The wind blows gently, and Kurosawa's hair flutters a little. My heart races a bit as a memory from middle school rushes to the front of my head. Fuck, shit. I need to calm down. He is trying to tell me something important, probably, so I need to stop being reminded of things.

Once we've established that there's nobody listening to us, Kurosawa's eyes narrow and he immediately starts talking, not hesitating to get down to business. "Kobayashi-san. I apologize for this, but you must listen to me very closely and take my advice."

I quirk my eyebrows. "What's this about? I thought maybe you were going to tell me something about Yufumi-chan... is she okay?"

Without blinking or missing a beat, he answers. "Yes, she's fine. This isn't about her. It's about you."

Huh...? Why me? Kurosawa barely knows me. I'm not mad or anything, because I don't think he's being presumptuous, but... what's going on? "What do you mean?"

Kurosawa closes his eyes and sighs through his nose, resolving himself. He doesn't bother to answer me. With a piercing gaze that scares me just a little, he says some words that I'd never expect to hear and could never prepare myself for. "Do not go looking for him."

Everything around me and inside me seems to stop. My blood runs cold. Kurosawa's stare is unwavering, intense and frightening. How the hell could he have known about that? I don't talk about Seiji with anyone. The wind has quieted and all I can hear is the sound of my shaky breathing. What... what the fuck is he on about? Is this some sort of sick joke? "I don't know what you're talking about," I lie, feebly. Even I could see through that.

The man in front of me ignores my lie and continues. "You won't like what you find if you look. Give up and move on."

Okay, I guess he's not going to feed into my desperate attempts to deflect, so I might as well bite. "What are you talking about? Do you know something that I don't? How do I know you're not yanking my chain?"

Kurosawa sighs, slightly irritated. He shouldn't be! He's the one that's acting weird, not me! "Azumi-san has been missing for over a year. He is the one you have been praying for. Am I wrong?" I don't know what to say, so I gape instead. He continues. "It is better to leave him in the past. Please trust me."

"Where is he?" I'm getting a little mad, and a little desperate. Why would he tell me that he knows something about Seiji and in the same breath forbid me from seeing him again, from trying to reconcile? It's not fair. "You can't just tell me that. I need to see him for myself. Why would you tell me such a thing and not expect me to try to go running after him?"

He purses his lips. "I have not seen him personally. However, I trust my contact." His eyes narrow. "I feel for you, truly. But do not look for him."

I want to argue, but... fuck, I'm really angry. I haven't felt anything like this in over a year, I think. "Why are you acting like you know anything? You don't know him." I'm losing my cool, but I can't let this slide. I need more than anything to at least - tell Seiji that I'm sorry about everything. "You don't know me, either. You don't know us, what we've been through, everything that happened between us. What the hell's your problem?"

I think there's a flicker of apology in Kurosawa's eyes for a second before he becomes firm again. "I work at a detective agency, and I found out some information while investigating an unrelated case. Beyond that, it's not for you to know." He frowns deeply, and I can't tell if he's annoyed at me or disgusted with himself. "I should not have told you this. It was a gift, because I sympathize, and because you have been kind to my foster child. Do not let it go to waste."

Why am I shaking? I don't think it's just from anger anymore. "Please tell me he's okay, at least." This is such a stupid plea. Kurosawa can't do anything to change my past, his past, Seiji's past. Can't alter the path that Seiji is on, and can only suggest an improvement on mine. Looks like I'm ignoring it anyway, because I'm really stupid. 

Kurosawa's face is still and impassive, but I can sorrow in his eyes for one second before they turn cold again. "I will do no such thing." He bows, poised and refined as ever. "Please take what I said into consideration. I will be going. Excuse me." Without any fanfare, he turns on his heel and walks away, straight and proper. More delicate in his movements than Seiji was, which is saying something. My heart is thudding loudly in my ears and I don't know what to do or what to say, if anything. Maybe all that's left is to be quiet. 

It's a few minutes before I realize that I've been staring off at the same patch of sky for an extended period of time, and my fingers are curled painfully into my palm. Taking deep breaths, I unfurl my hands and look back at the ground. Was that a threat? I don't know what Kurosawa was trying to do by telling me that. Should I take him seriously? I really felt like I knew what he was saying, and... in a way, he reminds me of Seiji, the person who I trust more than anyone. If something is wrong with Seiji, I don't know if I could forgive myself if I let him stay in trouble. But... Kurosawa seemed very firm. Does Seiji want me to leave him alone? The thought kills me. I really wanted to try to be friends again. 

The hole in my heart widens and fills with a thick, roiling fog of loneliness and longing.


	6. Slowly but Surely, A New Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No warnings for this chapter, unless you are allergic to fluff.

"Pfft, this is silly."

I give Seiji an exaggerated frown. His eyes are soft and he's smiling, but... "Hey, it's not silly! We should do this to commemorate our friendship for the new year! I've heard it's good luck."

"Are you sure that you're not making that up because you think it sounds cool?" He holds onto his cup of sake loosely, tilting his head just slightly at me. I'm really trying to not lose my cool, but... man, has Seiji always been this handsome? Well, yes, but I've noticed it a lot more lately, I think. More and more, I've been wondering what's going through his head when he looks at me with those cool eyes of his, especially as they soften when they look me over.

I pout. "Even if I was, we should still do it! Come on!" Sitting forward, I raise my cup and hook my arm for him in signal. "A toast!"

Snorting, he shakes his head. "It's not quite midnight yet," Seiji reminds me, gently swirling the sake around in his cup. "Let's wait a little longer. The timing should be right."

"Yes sir." I slump back against the wall and look at my best friend, who is sitting with one leg folded underneath him, maybe a little less than a meter away, on my bed. Seiji is so close to me. I'm really happy. I remember that I was so afraid, mid-September, that he would never want to talk to me again. We did need a little space at first, but... Seiji is Seiji, and I'm me. We couldn't stay apart for too long, especially now that our time in university is drawing to a close. I think there's an unspoken uncertainty between us - we are not sure how much longer this can last, so we want to spend as much time together as we can. So that's why Seiji is sitting in bed with me, on the night before the new year, and is going to actually drink with me, for once. I told him he didn't have to do it, but he insisted. The sake probably isn't the fancy kind that he would drink with his family, but he doesn't seem to care. Well, I tried to buy some that was nicer than normal, anyway, and sweet, because I can't stand bitter alcohol. It's a small bottle, but it's just us, and we're not going to drink that much. 

We've got this weekend planned out. I have work on Monday, but we hung out for most of today, just walking in the city, through the shopping district and along the water. I can still vividly remember Seiji's silhouette as he leaned against the railing of the bridge we walked on for a while, staring out into the ocean as the sun set, turning the water a beautiful shade of pale orange. He looked so soft, and - part of me really wanted to touch him, to hold his hand and embrace him, to remind both of us that we are still here and friends after all these years, but instead I rested against the railing with him, closing my eyes and trying to simply enjoy that he was near me, and that he came on the walk with me because he wanted to. That he's spending time with me because he wants to, and we're doing this as friends. Tomorrow is the new year, and he decided he'd sleep over with me tonight. His sleeping bag is already rolled out on the floor, and he's probably going to go to bed as soon as we've toasted to the new year and maybe talked a bit more. Seiji doesn't like to stay up very late, so I'll try to go to bed early, too. Well, early for me. Things might get tripped up because the wind is blowing so hard outside, but I can always put on some music or something if I really can't sleep. And tomorrow we're going to one of the more popular shrines together and I'll eat dinner at Seiji's place with his family. His brother and sister-in-law are going to be there too, so... it feels like a big deal, having him invite _me_ , for some reason. Though I might be reading too much into it. I'm trying to not get my hopes up, but...

Seiji is still looking at me with an absentminded smile. Suddenly, I feel a little shy. I try to calm down, because I don't know if I'm just projecting my own desires onto him, or if his smile means what I think it does. Before I can think about it too much, Seiji speaks. "You're uncharacteristically quiet, especially for a holiday."

"Mmm... I'm just thinking, I guess." His eyes are slightly narrowed from smiling, and it looks like he's listening, so I nervously try to explain. "Ah, I guess, um... I'm just, sorry, this probably sounds strange, but I'm happy we're friends."

He shakes his head. "It's natural." I want to protest, but he continues. "I'm very happy too, Daichi."

Sweating, I stare at the clock. It's 11:58. Almost there. I only have two more minutes of this awkwardness that I need to get through before we can toast like men and get on with the night. I want to say that it's kind of weird to hear him say that, and that it's kind of weird for him to be happy around me, but... I kind of like that he said it, deep down. And I kind of wanted to hear it. I bite my lip and turn to him. "You're quiet, too."

"That's hardly unusual."

"True, but... you're smiling?"

He shakes his head. "You must be imagining things." No... he's definitely smiling. He brushes a strand of hair behind his ear, and I feel warmth spreading through my stomach as he leans slightly against his hand. The feeling between us is hard to put into words, and I'm not sure if it's because I am afraid of defining it or because I've never felt so comfortable but nervous, anticipating, at the same time. 

Shit. I don't think I could stop the lazy grin crossing my face if I wanted to, but part of me doesn't want to, part of me wants him to see me smiling at him the way that he's smiling at me. "That so."

"Yeah." So slight that I barely notice it, he turns his eyes towards his watch. "Ah, it's midnight. Happy new year."

My boisterous excitement returns to me, or maybe I'm just trying to release some unrelated energy through yelling. "Happy new year!!" I hook my arm again, waiting for him to join me. "Come on, a toast now. Cheers!"

"Cheers." Seiji links his arm with mine, and we drink. Probably impolitely, I swallow half of my cup, and Seiji lingers, sniffing the sake before taking a sip. I don't know where I saw this, but it looked kinda fun and seemed, I dunno, a little intimate, too, so I wanted to try it. Thanks for indulging me, Seiji. It's a little awkward in practice, but Seiji is very close to me, closer than he's been in a while, and his body is warm, and... I really don't hate this. As we pull away, I lock eyes with him, and I feel my heart race. His face is so close.

I don't get it, but Seiji starts laughing. "What's with you?" I ask, a little confused, taking a sip of my sake. It's already almost gone.

He shakes his head, still chuckling. "I'm going to say this before the alcohol hits so you know that I'm serious." He takes another long sip, nearly finishing it, and puts down his cup on the floor. He then looks at me, intent but not scary at all. Warm. Inviting. I think his smile could cure any disease that was germinating within me. "When will we stop this? It's foolish."

I put down my cup, too, having finished as he was talking, trying to judge what he's saying. Um. I think he's saying what I've wanted to say, too, although the consequences of me being wrong might be... not very good. "I don't know," I reply, and, testing, I put my hand over his. He doesn't flinch. I feel emboldened. "Depends on what you mean."

His pupils flicker to my lips for one second, and then back up to my eyes. I feel like I can see deep inside of him, to parts of him that he doesn't show anybody else. There is something trembling and scared, but as excited as a child that is showing itself to me. I'm a little in awe, seeing Seiji this vulnerable and open. "Try me. I won't get angry." 

So, I do. I feel a little unsure, but I want to try, for him and for myself. I move my hand up his arm, and he sighs softly. I don't know if the pink tinging his cheeks is from the contact or from the alcohol, but I have to finish what I started. ...He only drank a little, so maybe I'm not crazy, now that I'm thinking about it, and it's been less than two minutes. Seiji's a lightweight, but he's not that bad. After I reach his elbow, I pull my hand away so I can lift it higher and touch his face. It's slightly warm. He doesn't seem disgusted or angry at all as he rests his cheek against my hand. Taking in a deep breath, I lean in and kiss him, simply pressing my lips to his for a few seconds before pulling away maybe ten centimeters. I look at him. His eyes are closed, and I can feel him trembling slightly. I don't know if he liked it or not. So, until I hear him say one thing or another, I decide to back off.

Or I would, but Seiji slowly puts his arms around my back. "Again," he whispers. My heart pounding, I kiss him again, a little more enthusiastically, and he kisses me back. He... kisses me back! I pull Seiji in closer to me, moving my lips against his and petting his hair. It's so soft and fluffy, and Seiji feels warm in my arms, solid and reliable, and his arms squeezing my chest against his are strong. I want to feel him more, hug him more, kiss him more. But... I don't want to do anything stupid while he's drunk, or there's a possibility of him being drunk or getting drunk. When Seiji pulls back to take a breath, I wiggle slightly, and he takes his cue to let go of me.

I look at him, and he looks at me, breathless and awestruck, incredibly lovely and I really want to kiss him again, although I'm not going to. Not yet. Not until I know where this is going. "So... uh." I want to ask a lot of questions, but I don't know where to start, especially without sounding extremely awkward.

Seiji closes his eyes. "Normally it is best say it properly first, but I am fine with this, too, if that is what you are most comfortable with." His voice is shaking, but I think, more than anything, he can't believe he just said that and is embarrassed.

What does he mean... "Um... 'Can I kiss you?'"

He shakes his head and sighs a laugh. "No, the other thing you are supposed to say before kissing someone."

I feel myself turn red, and it's definitely not from drinking, because that wasn't anywhere near enough to get me even tipsy. "Uh..." I gulp. I think I know what he wants me to say. Something that's a step below what I've asked of him a few times before, where he just shakes his head and gently refuses. I guess he was taking me seriously, but part of me was probably asking seriously, too. Because, really... I'd like that a lot, the more I think about it. But first thing's first. Seiji likes doing things properly, and maybe I should try, too. "'We should date...?'"

To my surprise, Seiji pouts. "What was this afternoon?" he asks. Wait... what?? He sighs, but shakes his head and smiles. Oh, thank goodness. That was a joke. "At any rate... Yes. That is what I meant." Seiji pauses, looking off to the side, introspecting before staring back at me. "I like you, Daichi. As a friend, and as something else. So we should date."

Without thinking about it or why I'm doing it, I kiss him again, holding him as close to me as I can. He grunts and kisses me back, rubbing my back and, after a second, licking my lower lip. I gasp and allow the kiss to become deeper, just for a minute, our tongues meeting and stroking each other before I pull away. That was probably stupid, I realize in retrospect, even as I'm resisting the urge to crawl on Seiji's lap and kiss him some more, even deeper, maybe doing things that I really shouldn't do. "Sorry." Seiji shakes his head and kisses my forehead. His lips are slightly wet, and it makes me laugh. Pfft. Jeez. Now I feel like I've been stressing out over nothing. There's a lump in my chest, the last thing weighing me down, so... well, I've let everything else out, so maybe this is okay, too. Uncertainty bubbling over, I say the words that have been in my heart for a long time. "I think I more than like you, Seiji." The weight is lifted and I feel like I have no anchor, terrifying and freeing at the same time.

He nods. "Mm." There's no sense of rejection as he looks down at my hand and takes it, squeezing lightly.

I'm so relieved that I could cry. I don't - I laugh, voice trembling, trying really hard to hold back the tears on the edges of my eyelids. "You're right. That was kind of dumb, wasn't it?"

"Loving you isn't dumb," he tells me firmly as he holds my hand in both of his, raising it to his face. As my fingertips brush against his cheek, I feel my pulse quicken against his fingers lightly gripping my wrist. He shakes his head at me and chuckles. "Hey, don't act weird. This is mostly a formality. Things may stay the same as before, just with..." Carefully, he kisses the tip of my pointer finger. "This."

"I love you?" I blurt out. It's not a question. I know that I love him. I know that, someday, I want to marry him. I want to be together with him forever. I - am really surprised that he feels the same way, or, shit, that he even wants to date me, I don't know if he wants to marry me but even just dating me is great. I pull my hand out of his grasp and clutch my own heart. "I love you, I'm sorry, I love you."

He laughs and pats my knee. "It's okay." It looks like it takes a lot of courage for Seiji to be fully honest with himself, which makes me feel less stupid. "I love you, too." I want to say a lot more, but his face turns stern. "Enough for tonight. Let's not get carried away. We still have tomorrow to get through."

Seiji is right. I nod. "Yep, okay. So... just to make sure, that means you're my boyfriend, right?"

A little bashfully, Seiji turns away from me. Ah, shit, he's so cute. I want to kiss him. "Let's not say that publicly just yet. I want to make sure this arrangement will work. But... yes. And you're my boyfriend." He frowns and sighs deeply, as if letting all negative emotions from the old year out of his system. "That's that. We should probably go to bed. We have a busy day ahead of us tomorrow."

I grin and lean against his shoulder. "A busy year, too~."

He taps my shoulder, an act which I think is both in irritation and jest. "That's not what I meant. Don't test your luck so early."

"I was kidding," I tell him. "I know I used to be that kind of guy, but I know you're not. We'll move at your pace, okay?" Seiji nods, and, to my surprise, gets up and immediately starts stripping and changing into his pajamas. I breathe in and look away - Seiji said nothing had to change, but I shouldn't look at my boyfriend (!!!) as he's changing when we just started dating a few minutes ago. Self-conscious, I take off my sweater and pants and decide that it's probably okay to go to bed like this.

Seiji blinks at me and, fuck, he looks so hug-able, even as he raises an eyebrow in slight confusion. He looks a little unsure. "Well..."

I turn off the light, giving him the modesty that he probably wants, while not forcing him into something that he's not ready for yet. "Good night, Seiji."

I curl up in bed when I hear his body hit the sleeping bag... but, I was wrong. He had only moved the pillow, because I feel his lips against mine as he pulls the blanket close to my chin. "Good night. Please sleep well."

He lies down so close to me tonight, even though he's on the floor and I'm on my mattress. I could probably pull him up on here with me, if I tried hard enough, but there's joy in waiting. ...That said, I can't sleep. I don't think Seiji can, either, judging by the sound of his breathing. After about fifteen minutes, I call out to him. "Seiji?"

"Mm." He shifts on the floor.

"I won't touch you, I just thought maybe it's hard down there..."

Without hesitating, Seiji stands up and lifts up the blanket to join me in bed. My bed feels small, but warmer than ever before, as he lies down next to me. "You can touch me," he murmurs. "Like this." I gasp as he pulls my arm so I lie down on my side, spooning him, and he places my hand on his stomach. Softly sighing, I wrap my other arm around him and squeeze. Seiji groans quietly, although I think it was a good groan. I kiss the back of his neck to make sure, very lightly, and he shivers, pulling my hand up to his chest. His heart is pounding. Okay. I think that's good, then. After a few moments, his grip on my hand loosens, and his body starts relaxing in my arms as he leans back into me. The weight of his body feels heavy in my arms, but not like a weight or a burden at all. It's comforting, and a reminder that he is here, and that he can do anything. 

I am excited for what the new year is going to bring me, with Seiji, hand in hand. At this point, I don't think there's anything we can't get through together. As I fall asleep, I decide to leave any worry about my feelings in the past. I'm way too excited about the future to let anything hold me back. 

I'm already falling asleep, but Seiji's hand gently squeezing mine makes me smile. "I promise I didn't say that because I'm drunk," Seiji mumbles. 

Laughing quietly, I kiss his ear. "I know. You don't need to tell me."

"Yes, I did," he tiredly argues, and his grumbles slowly transition into heavy breathing as he falls asleep. 

This is silly, actually silly, but I feel so warm that I have to say it, even though he's asleep. "I love you, Seiji. Let's get married someday." I don't know if I actually said those words out loud, because my eyelids are so heavy that I can't open them, despite my greatest attempts. I stop trying and accept it. 

...

When I wake still embracing Seiji, I know that this is the best way my life could have gone, even though a bunch of shitty stuff happened this year, too. I think I'd be fine with anything if I can wake up to him every morning, every year, for the rest of my life. But, I can take my time, and so can he. I will stay with him and wait with him for as long as he needs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Five unhappy new years, and one celebratory toast. 
> 
> Thank you all for reading and happy new year.


End file.
